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CHAMP’s Alaina Hansom sat down with friend and fellow military significant other, Anna Griest, to talk about checking in on romantic relationships. Offering her expertise as a therapist, Anna shares advice on how military couples can maintain their romantic relationships and safely explore vulnerable emotions.
Alaina: What is a relationship check-in?
Anna: A relationship check-in is where one person in the partnership takes mindful and intentional time to see what mind space the other person is in. A check-in goes beyond asking if the other person is physically okay and focuses more on the spiritual and emotional aspects of the person—both highs and lows. A check-in is a maintenance tactic you do to confirm what you believe is happening in the relationship is actually happening. It’s basically checking to make sure you’re both on the same page.
The number one goal is for you and your partner to be on the same team. If you know what’s going on with your partner, and your partner knows what’s going on with you, then you can support each other. You want to try and build a sense of closeness and teamwork.
Alaina: What does a check-in look like in action?
Anna: In moments of downtime, you ask your partner open-ended questions. Then you show your partner you’re willing to listen and sit with them in their emotions. You allow space and openness for the other person to respond honestly. You might ask questions such as:
- How are you?
- What has made you happy this past week?
- What’s on your mind about our relationship?
- What can I do to support you?
- How did we do a good job being each other’s partner?
It takes courage to start the check-in process with your partner—and to do it regularly. I think many people would rather not know than ask, because then you can be in denial, not have to experience the pain of hearing your partner isn’t happy, or not have to hear the reason your partner isn’t happy is because of you. Even though check-ins can be scary at first, they’re really beneficial to relationships.
Alaina: How do check-ins affect relationships?
Anna: Check-ins allow each person to feel seen, heard, and understood. If you and your partner can give that to each other, the foundation of your relationship can be much stronger.
This is the first relationship I’ve been in since becoming a therapist, so it’s also the first time I’ve done check-ins. Now I understand that the way I see the world—and our relationship—might not be the way my partner sees the world—or our relationship. In past relationships where I felt less secure, I would avoid those kinds of check-in questions for fear I’d receive answers that made me uncomfortable or further hurt the relationship.
Checking in regularly has eliminated sources of uncertainty in my relationship. There are no questions about where this relationship is going, whether my partner is proud of me, or whether my partner is still interested in me. I don’t have to wonder where he stands or have anxiety around those things. I know if he’s struggling with something, he’ll let me know and we can be honest with each other.
Alaina: Why are check-ins especially important for the military community?
Anna: Service Members face unique stressors, which inevitably carry an emotional toll because of what they experience in their jobs. Service Members essentially have signed up for that. It’s admirable, and it’s why we honor them and they hold such a powerful place in our society. But Service Members don’t have the bandwidth or the time in very dangerous situations to think about their emotions. So, they often suffer silently.
As their partner, you attend to the stressors and the emotional toll your Service Member faces. You attend to the human side of this “warrior machine.” So exploring emotions during check-ins and letting them know you have their back, no matter what type of day they’re having, is a powerful thing.
Alaina: How often do you recommend couples do check-ins?
Anna: I recommend you ask your partner how they are several times a week. And you should be open to listening and not finding solutions. One thing my partner and I will say to each other—especially when one of us is complaining about something—is, “Do you want a solution? Or do you want support?” As humans, we’re focused on providing solutions, but often, people simply want to be heard.
I recommend doing bigger check-ins on a quarterly basis, to focus on life goals, timelines, finances, and which family you might stay with during the holidays, for example. These broader, less frequent check-ins don’t need to be something you put on a calendar, they can happen naturally. But if you’re somebody who’s going to avoid or feel uncomfortable doing those check-ins, then put it on your calendar so you both can be held accountable to talk about things that are uncomfortable.
Alaina: What are some best practices for check-ins?
Anna: First, no distractions. The TV can’t be on, you can’t be on your phones, you can’t be in a crowded restaurant, and the kids can’t be running around. You need to be in a space you create with your partner where you can fully talk through and process the conversation.
Second, you don’t want to go into the check-in with a defensive attitude. For a relationship to exist—and for it to be healthy—your partner needs to know they can come to you with feedback and with their reality, knowing you’ll receive it openly and nondefensively.
Third, show vulnerability. Showing what’s going on emotionally is hard to do because we like to present a strong and competent side of ourselves. It’s scary when another human sees us all the way through. Sharing vulnerability is one of the biggest factors in whether a relationship will last.
I actually tell my clients that cars are one of the best places to do check-ins. You can feel uncomfortable looking eye-to-eye with another person. But when you’re shoulder-to-shoulder, you release much of your defensiveness and you’re able to be more vulnerable. (You can always pull over to grab a snack and “cool off” if things get too heated.)
Alaina: Should you ask the same questions at each check-in?
Anna: I typically ask the same questions each time because the questions are open-ended and they create the space for a conversation. My partner now knows that when I say, “How are you?” it’s not just a passing question. Now he’s tuned in to us checking in. He knows this is a moment for him to share how he’s doing.
But the questions might change down the road because life changes! Maybe you moved, your partner got a new job, you have a baby (or you’re pregnant or you want to get pregnant), or you just lost someone in your life and you’re struggling through that grief. Whenever something big happens, that’s when you want to tune in more to that life change in your conversations.
Alaina: What recommendations do you have for encouraging a couple to be vulnerable enough to do check-ins?
Anna: We talk a lot in psychology about “pacing.” Pacing is demonstrating a behavior so the other person feels comfortable showing that behavior as well. The best way for your partner to become vulnerable is for you to become vulnerable first.
Also, help your partner find the words to describe their experiences. Many adults have no idea what stress feels like, for example. All a sudden their chest hurts or their jaw is clenched and they have no idea why. So if they don’t have the words themselves, you could help them by suggesting, “Maybe you feel stressed?”
As a therapist, I use music as well. I’ll say, “Find a song that represents how you feel today and play it for me” to help bridge the gap between internal emotions and expression. For example, instead of asking, “How are you?” you could ask, “What song are you today?”
If you’re in a relationship with a Service Member, the responsibility might be on you to show them they don’t need to suffer in silence. You can say things like:
- “I can be someone you can come and talk to.”
- “I will never judge you for struggling.”
- “I understand it’s part of the human experience to not be okay all the time. That doesn’t mean I think you’re weak.”
These statements help remove some of the myths that exist within the Armed Forces, especially in terms of suffering silently. Statements like these show you’re willing and able to see, hear, and understand your partner’s human experience.
Disclosure: The opinions and assertions expressed herein are those of the authors and do not reflect the official policy or position of USU or DoD. The contents of this publication are the sole responsibility of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the views, opinions, or policies of The Henry M. Jackson Foundation for the Advancement of Military Medicine, Inc. Mention of trade names, commercial products, or organizations does not imply endorsement by the U.S. Government. The authors have no financial interests or relationships to disclose.
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