By: Jeffrey B. Jackson, PhD, LMFT
Service Members and their spouses face challenges their civilian counterparts often do not, such as moving frequently and spending long periods of time apart. These challenges can be worse when gender roles are reversed and Servicewomen are married to civilian men. Civilian husbands of Servicewomen often need to navigate a variety of unique challenges because of this gender role reversal and related pressures.
For example, take the experience of a U.S. Coast Guard Servicewoman's civilian husband in his thirties. When they were first married, he had trouble figuring out his role as the husband of a Service Member. Despite his efforts to support his wife's career, he faced challenges finding work due to frequent PCS relocations. He often felt depressed about his career and wondered how he could progress professionally, since moving created setbacks and he didn’t know where they might be living a few years down the road.
Adapting to military culture was also sometimes challenging. He struggled to understand where he fit in and to find his identity. He often encountered stereotypes about civilian husbands, such as being a “lazy freeloader” who was financially dependent on his wife and being “less of a man” because he wasn’t the primary provider. He also found that military resources for spouses were primarily targeted toward women. He was typically the only man to attend social support meetings for military spouses, which made him feel out of place and left him with limited support in new places where he didn’t know anyone.
Learning about civilian husbands’ experiences can help address the unique problems these couples face and help create better policies and support systems for them. Some of the complex and challenging experiences faced by civilian husbands in military marriages include the following:
Masculinity redefined
- Many husbands have to rethink what it means to be a “man” as the civilian spouse of a female military member. They’ve often grown up expecting they would be the traditional, primary breadwinner once they were married. But then they’ve found themselves having to figure out how to still feel like a “man” when they aren’t the primary provider and are classified as a dependent by the military.
- Civilian husbands often need to become more flexible in their roles, taking on tasks traditionally seen as women's responsibilities, such as being a stay-at-home parent.
- The strong focus on traditional masculinity in military culture can make these challenges even tougher for civilian husbands.
- Civilian husbands often end up redefining masculinity. For example, they provide emotional support to their wives, breaking away from the idea that men should be unemotional.
Minority experience
- Only 10% of all military spouses are male. Civilian husbands often feel like minorities in the military community, where most civilian spouses are women.
- Civilian husbands often feel invisible in the military community and struggle to find their place among predominantly female civilian spouses and male Service Members.
- Civilian husbands sometimes feel judged by both Servicemen and civilian wives, damaging their sense of belonging.
- Connecting with other male peers who understand their experiences can be difficult for civilian husbands, leading to eelings of isolation.
Nontraditional gender provider role
- Civilian husbands often rely on their wives' military income because of frequent relocations.
- Civilian husbands who think they aren’t living up to their role as primary providers might feel anxious, less happy, and dissatisfied with their careers.
- Civilian husbands often struggle with uncertainty in their career paths, finding new jobs, societal expectations about being primary breadwinners, and mental health challenges.
- Some civilian husbands grapple with societal views of being dependent on their wives' military careers and income.
- Civilian husbands often reject the “dependent” label and see their role as crucial to their wives' success. They might highlight teamwork and shared responsibilities in their marriages or take pride in supporting their wives' careers.
Lack of inclusive support
- Military resources for spouses generally target wives, which can make it harder for civilian husbands to get support.
- Civilian husbands in the military community need more resources.
Here are some examples of things friends, family, and communities can do to support civilian husbands:
Foster inclusivity.
- Plan community events—Organize events that bring military families together, creating opportunities for civilian husbands to connect with others in similar situations. Make a conscious effort to include civilian husbands in social activities.
- Arrange playgroups—Invite civilian husbands with children to participate in community playgroups.
Offer practical assistance.
- Assist with tasks—Offer to help with tasks such as childcare, household chores, or errands, especially during times when the Service Member is away or during relocation.
- Offer career-related support—Assist with job searches, networking, or career-related activities to help civilian husbands navigate challenges in their professional lives.
Be mindful of language and stereotypes.
- Avoid assumptions—Be mindful of assumptions related to gender roles and military spouses. Avoid reinforcing stereotypes and be open-minded about the diverse experiences within military families.
- Use inclusive language—Ensure that conversations and interactions use gender-neutral language, such as “spouse” or “partner” instead of “husband” or “wife,” recognizing the diverse roles and contributions of all military spouses.
Provide emotional support.
- Use active listening—Be a nonjudgmental listener for civilian husbands to express their thoughts and feelings.
- Do check-ins—Touch base with civilian husbands, especially during times of deployment or relocation. A simple text or call can go a long way in showing support.
