By Alaina Hansom, PhD
During the holiday season, it can be tempting to spend lavishly on gifts. Many people fall victim to the thinking trap that an item is better because it’s more expensive. I know I’ve certainly had my fair share of wanting the name-brand item when the generic item works just as well for a fraction of the cost.
One reason why it can be tempting to spend so much financially is because gifts can be emotional. Gift giving shows someone you care about them. It says “I’m thinking of you” in physical form. But there are other (often cheaper) ways to communicate care—they’re called “love languages.”
In a military marriage, speaking each other’s love languages can be challenging, especially when you routinely spend time apart from each other. My husband has spent several holiday seasons deployed, and I missed him even more during those times. We had to get creative in showing each other love and offering “gifts.”
Kind words
During one of my husband’s holiday deployments, I wrote him “open when…” letters. I told him to open the letters on specific dates or when he was feeling certain emotions. For example, in his “open on Thanksgiving” letter, I wrote a list of why I was grateful for him and our life together. In his “open when you need a good laugh” letter, I wrote some cheesy jokes that I knew would make him chuckle. After the deployment, he told me how much he enjoyed them.“Open when…” letters require some thinking ahead. You’ll need to write them prior to the deployment or the date you’re planning to exchange gifts. But besides the cost of some paper, envelopes, and pens, “open when…” letters are a free gift you can give your partner to remind them you love them. And you can write them for any occasion, whether it’s a holiday, birthday, or when your partner is feeling sad, can’t sleep, on their way home, etc.
Quality time
When I ask my husband what he wants as a gift, he often says, “I just want to spend time with you.” It’s pretty obvious from this response that quality time is his primary love language!Quality time means offering your partner your undivided attention. That means putting away your phone, turning off other distractions (like the TV), and truly focusing on your partner.
Often, quality time revolves around activities, such as going on a walk together or going on a date. But quality time also includes quality conversations. During our family walks, my husband and I often talk about our hopes and dreams for our future together. Our family walks are when we make big decisions about our life, share childhood experiences, and express gratitude for the family we’re building together. Our family walks are also when we connect with nature. We’ll point out the colors of the sunset or how the foliage changes depending on the season. Regardless of whether we’re having a deep conversation or simply pointing out how beautiful our retriever looks among the flowers, our family walks are some of the most meaningful times my husband and I spend together.
Quality time can be especially difficult to give each other when you’re apart. My husband and I wish we could be together for all holidays, but that’s not always possible for us or for other military families. So one thing we’ll do when we’re apart is say, “I can’t wait until…” and then share an activity we’re looking forward to. For example, “I can’t wait until we can watch the sunset together again” or “I can’t wait ’til we can cuddle again.”
So this holiday season, consider giving your partner the gift of speaking their love language! You can write them a gratitude-filled handwritten note or plan a special activity together. If you still want to exchange physical gifts, these HPRC resources on how to stay financially fit might interest you:
