Charles Causey, MDIV, MSS, DMIN
“Dad, why do you say longer prayers when we have company?” my 10-year-old son innocently asked. It was like a clip from the cartoon “Dennis the Menace,” but this was real. I had just finished saying grace at the beginning of supper when we had some new friends over to the house.
It can be painful to receive unexpected feedback. Yet it’s tremendously helpful to any organization when there’s an environment where people can speak their minds and share openly to help the work environment. Sometimes we might receive feedback from those we supervise; other times we might need to provide feedback to our leaders—and doing so with candor can help.
The Latin root of the word “candor,” candere, is also where we derive the word “candle”; it’s about bringing light to a situation. The word candor, at its essence, means to be honest, straightforward, and sincere in your speech or attitude.
I know the feeling of having to speak to employees about something bothering me, and sometimes I’ve agonized about it beforehand. I used to be an Army platoon leader for a truck company. When I was a young lieutenant in my mid-20s and fairly new to the organization, I had 2 sergeants who were well-liked and had been with the unit for years. The problem was, they were showing up late and not always in the right uniform or squared away—yet they were the leaders. I needed to confront these battle-hardened older men, but I dreaded it.
I saw them at breakfast one morning and felt it was a great opportunity to address my concerns. All the other soldiers had left the area; it was just the 2 sergeants and myself. I sat down at their table and told them I appreciated their roles in the unit, their popularity with the soldiers, and the efforts they had displayed in the exercise so far. I also told them I had noticed how they had been late to our formations and sometimes didn’t have the right gear for that day’s mission. With forthright honesty, I explained I thought they were being careless and half-hearted with their leadership roles.
One of them immediately took offense at my comments and said he couldn’t believe I was focusing on such minor incidents when the mission was succeeding. I explained that because they were the leaders, the other men looked up to them. Since these sergeants expected their subordinates to be on time and prepared each day, why shouldn’t I have the same expectations for my platoon sergeants? I emphasized that they were good NCOs, but that with a little tweaking, they could be great.
I left the meeting unsure as to whether they had gotten my point, but the results were remarkable. They were always squared away after that, and I never had to speak to them about it again. Plus, they seemed to respect me more. I was able to give them high marks on their yearly evaluation reports because I noticed they continually tried to become better leaders.
I have never regretted being open and speaking the truth when I had others’ best interests in mind. The key is the other-centeredness of the engagement. Here are some secrets to succeeding at tough conversations:
- Candor is a gift to others. It means you’ll share what’s really going on with you, not just what you want the other person to hear. When you’re candid with others, you drop the barriers of your life. When you speak with candor, you’re creating intimacy. People are typically afraid of intimacy, that’s one reason why we lie. Using candor can reverse this tendency.
- For supervisors, creating an environment that supports candor is about having an open ear to those you lead and encouraging feedback for the good of the organization. It’s also about having respect for those around you and valuing others enough to give them honest feedback. A culture of candor fights against organizational silence and helps teams improve mission effectiveness.
To find out if you’re showing candor, ask yourself these 3 questions before speaking:
- Is this necessary?
- Is this loving?
- Is this truthful?
Courageous words: Having the courage to speak up and not giving in to fears about what others might think of you.
Authenticity: Telling others what you truly think, not simply what you think they want to hear.
Navigation of discussions: Being an active participant in the flow of a conversation, with candor, to help steer the conversation in a positive direction.
Disclosure of self: Using courageous words and being authentic by allowing others to know what makes you tick.
Openness to other ideas: Exchanging ideas in an unintimidating way, especially for the leader who seeks to hear from all sides.
Respect: For leaders: soliciting and receiving candor well. For others: providing candor as a way of respecting leadership.
Here are keys to candor when both giving and receiving it:
Giving candor:
- Speak the unspoken truth.
- Speak with love.
- Speak when needed.
- Speak to benefit others.
Receiving candor:
- Be patient.
- Listen attentively with an open mind.
- Embrace the discomfort.
- Be appreciative.
- Believe the best of the speaker and their motives.
In the story I shared at the beginning, when my son publicly asked about my prayer hypocrisy, it initially took me by surprise and I had no reply. As I reflected on it later, I was thankful for his question, and I discussed with him that at the root of it I was trying to impress other people. This interaction made me do some important soul-searching.
It’s not always easy to speak with and receive candor, but the results are undeniable. Don’t be content in the relationship shallows. It is magnificently more rewarding when we speak up in love, not only telling others the truth, but also graciously allowing them to tell the truth to us.
