How open communication with family members can help build emotional intelligence

April 21, 2023

asian father and two children sitting on grass having an interesting conversation, outdoors in a park.

By Mark Generous, PhD

How important are emotions? Your emotional intelligence is significantly related to your self-esteem, satisfaction in relationships, and life satisfaction. 

Think about that for a moment. Your ability to correctly label (with words) and communicate your emotions affects the way you see yourself, your relationships with others, and the world. This should be THE top story of every news program!

So if emotional intelligence is so important, where and how do you learn (or fail to learn) it? The answer varies. Many factors influence your emotional intelligence, but a vital element is the communication skills you learn in your family.

Ask yourself these questions about your experiences with your partner and children:

  • How do my partner and I communicate our emotions with each other?
  • What feelings do I have about my ability (and my partner’s ability) to communicate emotions with each other?
  • Do we take time to talk with our children about emotions?
  • Do we ask our kids how they’re feeling and help them label their emotions?
  • Do we brainstorm with our kids to help them respond to emotions in different ways?

These can be tough questions to answer. But they can be a good place to start in thinking about your own emotional intelligence. When you try to answer those questions, think about the experiences you had as a child with your parents. Much of your emotional intelligence is connected to your parents' emotional intelligence, so if you aren’t aware of what you learned, you could pass those behaviors on to your kids. For example, you can pass on emotional avoidance, hostile outbursts, and difficulty handling challenging emotions.

The rules around how family members communicate play a key role in creating an emotionally intelligent family. “Conversation orientation” is particularly important. Conversation orientation refers to how a family creates and supports a climate of openness with one another about different topics. Topics might include openness about feelings, making family or personal decisions, and embracing different opinions, beliefs, and worldviews.

Children’s (and adolescents’) self-esteem, anxiety, emotional intelligence, and skills in handling conflict can be related to their perception of how conversationally oriented their family is. So creating a conversationally oriented family system—in which children feel comfortable talking openly with their parents—can have positive effects (such as higher self-esteem, less anxiety, and better emotional intelligence and conflict skills) on kids as they grow up.

To create a conversationally oriented family, start with 3 steps: Ask, Look, and Listen (ALL). Take, for example, a discussion of feelings about the family’s upcoming PCS:

  1. Ask your child: “How are you feeling right now?”
  2. Look at your child as they answer the question. This allows you to pay attention to their body language, which is important since it can tell you how someone feels.
  3. Listen without judgement. This is much easier said than done. It’s human tendency to want to control, judge, and critique. The key is to be aware of judgement and critique when it enters your mind and to try to silence it. Allow your child the opportunity to speak without fear of judgement.

Practice your emotional communication skills too. Your kids will model their emotional communication after you. Let your child see the wide range of emotions you experience, such as pride in your deployed Service Member, yet also sadness because you miss them.

Show your kids what it means to label an emotion and talk about it. For example, “I really miss your dad right now. He always used to help with the dishes, and now I feel overwhelmed with the household chores.” Demonstrate how emotions can help them understand what they (and you) need in the moment. For example, you might say, “Since I’m feeling overwhelmed by the household chores, I need you to help out a bit. You can begin by clearing the table.”

Above all else, give yourself some grace. No parent has ever met their child’s emotional needs 100% of the time—that’s impossible. You will make mistakes. That’s okay. You will often not know what to do. That’s okay. Show your children you don’t have all the answers. It’s okay to be confused, unsure, sad, and frustrated. Teach them that emotions are temporary—no feeling lasts forever (but some do last longer than others).

The sooner you start talking about emotions with your children, the better. It isn’t easy, and it takes time, practice, and patience. But when you build a family that values conversation and connection, you’ll show your kids you care and that they can come talk to you.

If reading this has made you think about changing the way you communicate, consider that a success.

Tell someone you love them. If you can, give them a hug. And do something every day that brings you joy.


Mark Generous, PhD, is an assistant professor of communication at California State Polytechnic University, Pomona. His research focuses on conversations people tend avoid in close, interpersonal relationships. He also loves music and songwriting. (Find his music on all streaming platforms under the name, Doctor Generous.) He is grateful for the opportunity to learn, share knowledge, and connect.
Disclosure: The opinions and assertions expressed herein are those of the author and do not reflect the official policy or position of USU or DoD. The contents of this publication are the sole responsibility of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views, opinions, or policies of The Henry M. Jackson Foundation for the Advancement of Military Medicine, Inc. Mention of trade names, commercial products, or organizations does not imply endorsement by the U.S. Government. The author has no financial interests or relationships to disclose.
Tags