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By: Caitlin Himes, military family member and discus thrower
Pressure. Stress. Anxiety.
A range of emotions flow through you when all eyes are on you—especially when you’re competing alone, standing on the biggest stage of your athletic career. Your heart races. Your breathing quickens. You feel the sweat drip down your face.It’s enough to just say you qualified for the biggest meet of the season, or the rest of your career, no matter the result. But when that result is fouling all your throws and finishing last with nothing to show for your work?
That’s devastating. Heartbreaking. Confidence crushing.
That’s what happened to me. Two years in a row.
I qualified for the Drake Relays—one of the top track and field events in the U.S.—as a sophomore in high school. It was the most amazing feeling getting the news I’d qualified. I was high on life and it drove me to work harder to throw further.
The big day came. I was about to stand in the same ring as Olympic athletes had. It felt like a dream. It also felt overwhelming. I had never competed in front of that many people before in my life. I had never felt that kind of anxiety. I had also never been to a meet where I was separated from my family and only allowed to talk to my coach.
The first throw came and I threw it too far left. Foul. Same thing on the second throw, foul. And the third, foul. I walked away more devastated than I’d ever been and had nothing to show I’d even competed.
A year came and went, and I qualified for the Drake Relays again. I was just as excited as the first time! I put a lot of time and work into practice to be better. But there was something lingering in the back of my mind: My first attempt at the Drake Relays was the worst performance of my career.
The anxiety came rushing back. The fear of failing again. Scared to disappoint.
Again, we made the trip to Drake University in Des Moines, Iowa. This time I was more familiar with the area, the throwing ring, and how things were run. I hoped this year would be better than the last. Those thoughts left me quickly and were replaced with anxiety.
First throw, foul. Not this again. The emotions came rushing through me while I was trying to calm down. Second throw, fair, yet far from my best. The discus made it in, and I had a mark. Third throw, foul.
Growing from adversity
I left that competition again with minimal confidence and a lot of doubt in myself and my ability to compete at a high level. But I knew something had to change. I found a therapist to help me work through my performance anxiety. My therapist was someone who didn’t look at me like I was weak or talk to me like I was fragile. They just listened to what I had to say and helped me find ways to work through it.
The next year, my senior year, I qualified for the Drake Relays again with a personal best and school record throw. I got to leave it all out there and show everyone how hard I’d worked in my off-season. I was full of new confidence and belief in myself. I could compete against the best.
We made the trip to Des Moines for the third time. The anxiety was still there, but not as bad. My heart raced, but not as fast. I was able to calm myself down with new skills I’d been taught—breathing techniques, mindfulness. I was able to walk into the ring with new confidence.
First throw, fair. Close to my personal best. I made it. I was ready for my second throw, not scared. Second throw, fair. It matched my personal best and school record. I knew I’d make finals and have 3 more throws. The rest of my throws were no better than my second but still competitive.
I placed 5th in the whole state of Iowa, after finishing 23rd my junior year, and 24th (out of 24) my sophomore year. This time, I was one of the best throwers in the state. I finally made it.
There was an obvious difference in me. A new, good difference. I had more confidence than ever before. I was finally able to work through my performance anxiety rather than get swallowed by it. I was able to face it and let it help me, not hurt me.
Skills to optimize performance and resilience
If you have performance anxiety, try one or more of these resources to help:
- HPRC’s article on the individual zone of optimal functioning (IZOF)—your stress “sweet spot”—can help you identify how to use stress as a tool to perform better.
- Strategies such as mindfulness meditation, tactical breathing, and progressive muscle relaxation can help calm your anxiety when it’s getting in the way of your ability to perform.
- The “Optimize your self-talk” worksheet can help you grab control of your heat-of-the-moment thoughts and make them productive, so you can perform at your best.
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