Several years ago, I gave a marriage counselor’s perspective on a panel about family relationships. The question that generated the most interest from the crowd was: “How do you compromise with your spouse on issues where there’s no way to meet in the middle? I want to live by my family, and he wants to pursue an exciting job opportunity somewhere else. Splitting the distance means no one wins.”
I put on my “therapist hat” and walked them through a compromise exercise, but the “military spouse” side of my brain was screaming, “You don’t know how good you have it getting to pick where you live!” In that moment, compromise seemed so much easier for civilians than military families.
Traditional compromise: Discuss values and brainstorm
The heart of compromise is to look beyond the immediate issue and recognize and discuss the deeper values that cause conflict. In the example about pursuing a job opportunity vs. living near family, the greater values might be success, prestige, or financial security vs. family closeness, supportive relationships, or emotional stability. After identifying the greater values, each person then brainstorms other ways to fulfill that need. Often many values are at play, so make a list for each value you identify. Your lists might look something like this:
After the brainstorm session, a Warfighter should have a greater understanding of their own and their partner’s potentially unmet needs. This opens up the door for more compassion and considerate problem-solving. It’s much easier to compromise when you think the other person is aware of your fears and concerns. Coming up with solutions this way reassures you that you can still get your needs met.
Challenges for military families
How do you apply this same formula to a population that consistently has Uncle Sam making your big life decisions? As a military spouse, I often feel pretty powerless when it comes to choosing the direction of my life. Military spouses often feel like they have less power in their relationships because Uncle Sam will always throw his force towards the Military Service Member’s career. It feels like big decisions are tugs-of-war between a civilian spouse and his or her Warfighter, plus the force of the entire military. That doesn’t exactly seem like a fair match. On the flip side, the direction of a Military Service Member’s career is often decided for them with very little input. So while it might look like the Warfighter is winning all the matches, they might actually feel powerless. And when both spouses feel powerless, resentment often develops. Is it possible to regain mutual power and feel like a team—without giving up individual dreams and values? What can you add to the compromise formula to make it more applicable to military families?
Final ingredient: Perspective
With most military families, there are still chances for traditional compromise. Partners usually make wish lists, or Military Service Members might choose career paths that offer more flexibility. The principles of discussing values and brainstorming other solutions still apply. The third ingredient needed to round out this recipe is perspective. When you feel like your life is out of your control, it’s easy to fall into a pattern of villainizing the military. Still, it’s important to remember why your family joined the military in the first place. Even if you married into the military, validate your spouse’s reasoning for joining. Your partner’s experiences in the military before you met helped shape them into the person you fell in love with, and the military probably helped support a lifestyle you were once happy with. Try making a table like this one to help sort out your feelings.
Whenever I do this, I feel less like the woman I described earlier complaining about civilians’ control over their lives. Instead, I feel more gratitude. It’s important to recognize your values and unmet needs due to your family’s military service because they are real and they hurt. If you don’t identify what hurts, you can’t begin to fix it. The healer of your pain will be increased perspective, gratitude, and becoming a team again with your spouse. Recognize the sacrifice and pain that occurs on both sides of the coin and build a satisfying life together, wherever the military sends you.
---------- About the Author ----------
Andrea Lystrup, is a licensed marriage and family therapist and military spouse. To learn more about her, visit www.andrealystrup.com.
* The views expressed are those of the author and do not reflect the official position of the Uniformed Services University of the Health Sciences or the United States Department of Defense.
