It’s tough fighting with the person you love. Harsh words, tears, raised voices, and hurt feelings can be enough to make you do everything possible to avoid conflict in your relationship. But the truth is, conflict is inevitable, unavoidable, and totally normal. Let that sink in.
You might even notice that you fight about the same things over and
over. Guess what? Conflict déjà vu is very normal too. In fact, nearly 70%
of arguments between couples are perpetual and never get fully resolved.
Think about it: How many times have you argued with your partner about
the best way to load the dishwasher, who’s the better driver, or whose family
is crazier? Couples are likely to repeatedly fight about money, parenting, and
even sex. As a military couple, maybe you often argue about time apart
and deployments, too.
That’s why the way you fight
with your partner and how you come back together is much more important than
how often you disagree or even what you argue about. Consider these 3 smart
strategies to make peace with conflict in your relationship.
1. Love
as hard as you fight
When it comes to relationship conflict, try to balance the ups
with the downs as intensely as you experience them. If you fight with fervor and
intensity, bring that same passion to how you show love to your partner. If
you’re more even keeled on the affection front, stay cool on the conflict front
too. And, no matter what balance works for you, make sure you don’t “fight dirty” even
in your
most intense arguments.
2. Unbalance
the negativity
Think about the big picture: Over the course of the day, how many
positive interactions (compliments, thank yous, affectionate touches,
thoughtful gestures, etc.) do you and your partner have compared to the
negatives ones (disagreements, eye rolls, small jabs, snide remarks, etc.)?
Make sure those positives, both big and small, far outweigh the negatives
because an even balance likely won’t be enough for long-term happiness.
3. Slow your roll
When conflict happens, it’s easy for things to escalate quickly. Why?
Well, our emotional responses are often much faster than our rational and
thoughtful ones. And if our feelings go too hard and fast, there’s not a lot
our intellectual side can do to stop them.
Consider this: If a combat Veteran hears a loud noise (such as fireworks
or a car backfiring), he or she will likely feel
fear and maybe even recoil, long before he or she can interpret the sound and
assess whether or not it’s dangerous.
The same thing happens in conflict: You might feel anger and respond, way before you realize what your partner is
trying to say isn’t really so bad. If you can slow down and even step away from
a disagreement when it gets heated, you’ll have a better chance of keeping the
peace.
Want to learn more?
Take a look at the PsychArmor video below to better understand how to identify conflicts and make them
work in your relationship.
The PsychArmor Institute
offers helpful resources on communication and relationships for members of the
military community, their loved ones, and civilians. You also can learn about
navigating life in the military and supporting our Service Members and
Veterans.
