Keeping family relationships strong takes work, especially for military families who might face separation or extra stressors. And while being in a military family can boost resilience and unify you, those benefits don’t come without deliberate effort. A key part of maintaining military wellness, readiness, and well-being is to focus on family optimization.
Family optimization fosters those traits that strengthen your family unit and helps overcome challenges. But there are also real-world moments when you feel overwhelmed, alone, or you are unable to keep your head above water. Try these 7 optimization strategies to help you face these common challenges as a Military Service Member or military family member.
Feel as if you’re just putting out one fire after another?
Strategy #1: Seize the moment. It’s easy to get caught up in the daily grind and go from tackling one problem to the next. But it’s important for all relationships to seize the opportunities that come along on a daily basis—sometimes called “ordinary magic”—to show how you appreciate and care for each other. This can be as simple as telling your partner “Thank you” when they make dinner or giving them a hug at the end of the day. Or simply value the homework time you spend with your child.
Feel like you’re in it alone?
Strategy #2: Be a “we.” Viewing both the military lifestyle and your relationships as a “we”—that is, as a team—can make a huge difference in the amount of stress you experience. Try not to get caught up in the “you” or “me” push-and-pull that can easily happen in relationships. For example, rather than being angry at your partner for being deployed, switch your mindset. Focus on missing your partner and sharing those feelings while apart. Deployment is outside your partner’s control. As a team, you and your family members can help one another get through tough experiences because you’re united against the challenges rather than each other. It’s important to access support outside of your immediate family; this could be your friends, the local family readiness group, or others in your community.
Feel like just when you get it all figured out, things change again?
Strategy #3: Learn to love change. Life—especially military life—is about constantly adapting. It’s important to learn how to control the things you can and let go of the things you can’t. Use optimism to focus your energy on where you have the most impact. One way is to be aware of changes in your roles and your environment. When you find yourself in a new environment—deployment, relocation, becoming a new parent, a new relationship—it’s common for your roles to shift. If you plan for what your new role may entail, it might help ease the stress of finding yourself unprepared.
Feel like you deal with the same challenges over and over but still have a hard time adapting?
Strategy #4: Plan ahead and keep track of lessons learned. Life throws you many unexpected challenges, as well as the ones you learn to expect (such as relocation or deployment). After each challenge, think about what helped you succeed, what got in your way, and what made things more difficult. Take mental notes—or write down your lessons learned—and apply them to the next challenge. You can do this as a couple or in a family meeting. It can help you and your family plan ahead and solve problems effectively.
Feel like you’re in a relationship rut?
Strategy #5: Not all habits are good. It’s common—and normal—for relationships to develop negative patterns. But these can become habits over time—things you do automatically without conscious thought which make relationships stagnant. One way to deal with these negative relationship habits is to take on the responsibility yourself—rather than waiting for the other person—to stop the cycle. For example, when your partner gets mad at you for being late, rather than getting angry as usual, respond differently to enhance your relationship (or at least stop the negative cycle).
Feel like your family's usual routines have gone by the wayside due to constant change?
Strategy #6: Continuity is king. Despite life’s ups and downs, consistency can be important for family resilience. Continue important routines and traditions such as family meals, events, and annual gatherings—even if not all the family members are there. If you don’t have any routines—or if the ones you have aren’t working anymore—brainstorm with your family to establish some new ones and put them in place.
Feel like you are struggling to cope after injury?
Strategy #7: Reallocate roles when injuries happen. Injuries can occur, visible and invisible (such as PTSD) from combat exposure. When combat injuries happen, family roles, routines, and functions may have to be reallocated. Sometimes the role changes happen automatically, but they may require conscious decision-making and planning. It can be another challenge to make changes to your family life or even home environments. But talking with your family and planning can make a big difference. Remember, family members who become caregivers go through a transition too, so everyone will need support in the process.
About the Author
Sarah Steward, of the Henry M. Jackson Foundation, is a Social Health Scientist for the Consortium for Health and Military Performance (CHAMP) at the Uniformed Services University of the Health Sciences (USU).
* The opinions and assertions expressed herein are those of the author and do not reflect the official policy or position of USU or DoD. The contents of this publication are the sole responsibility of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views, opinions, or policies of The Henry M. Jackson Foundation for the Advancement of Military Medicine, Inc. Mention of trade names, commercial products, or organizations does not imply endorsement by the U.S. Government. The author has no financial interests or relationships to disclose.
