By Cassandra Ryder
The amount of time needed to find a
romantic partner is difficult to balance with a career in the military that might
include deployments, frequent relocations, and potentially dangerous jobs.
Developing healthy romantic relationships
is an important goal for many Service Members, especially if you want to get
married someday. While there are many resources on how to maintain a romantic
relationship and marriage while in the military, there’s much less guidance if
you’re single.
Single Service Members have limited
time to dedicate to finding romance, so it’s important to be intentional and
structured with the time you put toward dating. For example, to make dating
more time-efficient, keep in mind certain topics and questions to ask. Your
date’s answers could help you find out if they’re someone you want to have a
long-lasting and fulfilling relationship with—while advancing your military
career.
Topics to talk about on first dates
So, let’s say you’ve met a new
romantic partner, and you’re trying to consider if this new romantic connection
is compatible for a long-term, committed romantic relationship. To predict if a
new romantic partner will be a good fit for marital success, spend the first
few dates gathering information on the following topics:
- Family background: Ask questions
about their family and how they were raised. It will help you better understand
the developmental experiences that contributed to how this person knows and
understands concepts such as love, family, and home. Knowing the primary
experiences in their childhood and family can also influence how they might act
in their adult romantic relationships.
- Attitudes: While it’s good to know someone’s
opinions about music, movies, and favorite foods, it’s probably more important
to explore their attitudes around empathy and other people. Are they able to feel
compassionately about people who live different lives or have had different experiences from them? Are they able to take the perspective of others and imagine what it’s like to walk a day in someone else’s
shoes? If yes, this is a good indication your new romantic partner is
empathetic and able to think outside of their own desires and attitudes. Another
great skill to look for in a romantic partner is being empathetic when trying to
handle conflict.
- Compatibility: How compatible are your personalities, hobbies, religious identities, and senses of humor? Compatibility doesn’t mean you have to find someone you’re exactly alike, because differences are a normal part of romantic relationships. But opposites don’t always attract. If you notice differences between you and your new romantic partner, it’s better if these differences are complementary and balanced, and not completely opposite.
- Past relationships: This can be a
nerve-wracking topic to dive into, so it’s best to ease into this topic. Noting
how your new romantic partner speaks of previous romantic partners can say a lot about who they are as a person. For one, how
they discuss previous relationships can show how they might treat you in your
romantic relationship. Previous relationships create mental scripts for how
people move through relationships and what they anticipate might happen. Knowing
about someone’s prior romantic relationship can help you identify reoccurring relational problems they might have had, which can help you know what to be wary
of in this relationship.
- Relationship skills: It’s important not
only to observe someone’s overall communication patterns and habits, but to analyze their
communication when it comes to conflict resolution. Healthy and stable romantic relationships can resolve conflict
through cooperative, supportive, and flexible communication. The ability to
avoid being impulsive when emotions are high during conflict is a good sign
your new romantic partner can handle inevitable future conflicts in your relationship
in a healthy way.
Questions to ask yourself after first
dates
In addition to the topics above, ask
yourself the following questions as you consider whether to transition from a
casual to committed relationship with a new romantic partner:
- Are they reliable?
It’s helpful to know if your new romantic connection is dependable and available during life’s more difficult and stressful moments. It’s also important to note if your romantic partner can follow through on their commitments and promises, since this can help strengthen trust in a relationship.
- Do you feel drawn to them?
Feeling happy, comforted, and safe after spending time with your new romantic connection is a good sign you enjoy spending time with them. Feeling excited to see someone again often means you’re drawn to them, which can help keep a passionate and exciting connection.
- Can you talk to them about important issues in your life?
Feeling comfortable sharing and disclosing important events and issues in your life with your new partner is a great way to become closer. Similarly, it’s worth noting if your partner opens up and talks about their important life events with you too. Feeling like your new romantic partner can offer you guidance and support is a good sign they’re comfortable with listening to your concerns and validating your emotions, which are great characteristics of a romantic partner who’s good for a long-term committed partnership.
- Do you have common interests and social groups?
If spending time with your new romantic connection feels good because you feel like you’re with a like-minded person, this can be another sign of compatibility. It’s also important to see if you feel like you’re with like-minded others when spending time with the friends and family of your new romantic connection. Compatibility with social groups can also point toward a more in-depth level of compatibility.
- Do they recognize and celebrate your talents?
Does your new romantic connection recognize your individual strengths and skills? Their ability to view you in a positive light can also build your overall self-worth. Feeling confident, secure, and appreciated in a romantic relationship can be a sign your new romantic connection is a suitable long-term partner.
- Are you able to equally nurture each other and the relationship?
Again, it’s important to keep in mind that relationships are a 2-way street! Both people in a partnership should be able to help one another equally, as this will help nurture and develop the overall relationship.
If you can confidently answer each
question with a resounding “Yes,” then you’re probably headed in the right
direction toward finding a compatible romantic partner. As you move through
these questions while getting to know a new romantic connection, remember to slow
down. Don’t rush into any aspect of the relationship too quickly.
In an ideal world, your romantic
relationship progresses equally in the areas of physical intimacy, knowledge, trust, reliance, and commitment. When you become
attached too quickly to a new romantic partner, it becomes easier to gloss over
and overlook potentially problematic character flaws that can be red flags that
lead to breakups. Taking a slow and
steady approach to building your relationship can help you stay objective about
how the relationship is progressing, and if this new romantic partner is a good
fit for you.
Finding a compatible romantic partner while in the military takes time and effort. But asking the right questions just might help you find a good match.
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Disclosure: The
opinions and assertions expressed herein are those of the author and do not
reflect the official policy or position of USU or DoD. The contents of this
publication are the sole responsibility of the author and do not necessarily
reflect the views, opinions, or policies of The Henry M. Jackson Foundation for
the Advancement of Military Medicine, Inc. Mention of trade names, commercial products,
or organizations does not imply endorsement by the U.S. Government. The author has
no financial interests or relationships to disclose.
