By Owen Reid, Military Family Member
I’ve had family members serve in the U.S. Military since the Civil War, so from our family stories, I thought I understood resilience and had role models who inspired me to persevere through adversity. But after seeing my wife Hayley’s strength, I realized she’s my resilience role model.Hayley has completed IRONMAN® events around the world. She has done open-water marathon swims of 10 km (6.21 mi) or longer. I’ve always been impressed with these accomplishments and the unwavering focus, discipline, and commitment Hayley has exemplified in pursuing each event. But to me, Hayley is a role model for an even more amazing accomplishment.
Resilience in action
During the early morning hours of November 1, 2022, Hayley had signs of preterm labor. At only 27 weeks into her pregnancy, she knew this was far too early. Hayley did what any sensible mother-to-be would do: She admitted herself to the hospital. (We live in Singapore, but I was away at the time, so Hayley was by herself.)
Fast-forward 5 days. Based on the frequency and intensity of Hayley’s contractions, the medical team expected delivery could come at any time.
As many Service Members who've been deployed can relate to, being away from loved ones as they’re going through a challenge can be difficult. Fortunately, I was able to fly home to be with Hayley, and I braced myself that when I landed, I could be a father. I have vivid memories of the flight home. I cried more during the flight than I’ve cried in the last 5 years. The thought of our babies—oh yes, I forgot to mention Hayley was carrying twins—coming so prematurely was really scary. While I was in tears, Hayley was admirably calm, present, and positive. She knew she could influence her circumstances only by focusing on what was in her control and letting go of everything else.
Amidst all the uncertainty, as we lived at the hospital, we always found things to be grateful for. Using prompts similar to HPRC’s gratitude calendar, we found and shared the good with one another. I was at Hayley’s side every day since I’d returned home, and each day we made a conscious effort to acknowledge all the good things in our current situation. Together, we helped one another think productively by noting there was only so much we could influence, so this is where we focused our energy. We chose to build one another up, reinforcing the importance of the daily micro-wins Hayley stacked up.
So when the medical team said a urinary tract infection is what caused Hayley to go into preterm labor, we took it as good news: It meant they’d found something that could be treated. When we got to turn the calendar one more day, excellent: It meant our babies were in the womb longer, growing and developing. Or if it was simply that Hayley had a peaceful sleep and felt more rested, outstanding: This meant she would be better equipped—emotionally, mentally, and physically—to handle whatever came next.
Then, 23 days into her hospital stay—a day I’ll never forget—things really escalated. Hayley went into active labor, with contractions coming 2 minutes apart and one minute long. In a matter of 3 hours, Hayley was 8 cm dilated and we were told delivery was imminent.
It was not.
By the next morning, Hayley was fully dilated (10 cm) and should have been ready to deliver at any moment. We waited. And waited. And waited...
After being in active labor for nearly 4 days, Hayley was exhausted. She had slept in a hospital bed for almost 4 weeks, more than 2 of which she was on complete bedrest. She had been on more antibiotics than I knew existed. During the time I’d been by Hayley’s side, 24 different nurses and 6 different doctors had visited.
We know we have a long journey ahead. The babies, born at just 31 weeks old, had to spend 29 days (boy) and 45 days (girl) in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU). We feel beyond blessed and extremely grateful to be where we are in this journey.
We got each other’s six!
Role models come in many forms. During her 26 days of preterm labor, Hayley exemplified what it means to be mindful, resilient, and grateful, among many other qualities. No matter how daunting the news was from the medical professionals, or how tedious lying in a hospital bed was, Hayley was able to reframe the experience in a way that positively served her and our family.
HPRC's #GotMySix campaign highlights the importance of relationships, and how feeling supported can help people get through tough times and improve their connections with others. Throughout her hospitalization, Hayley and I worked together to create a calm, peaceful, and positive environment for her to call home. I placed inspirational words and phrases around her room so she was surrounded by positivity. We set goals—some weekly, others daily. We prayed…a lot. I made signs to celebrate daily and weekly milestones. I read out positive affirmations to Hayley, helping to keep her positive emotions flowing. We did visualization and imagery exercises, seeing our future selves enjoying time with our healthy babies. Each of these strategies helped give us a positive, healthy routine that was within our control. Hayley knew I “had her six,” and together, we were stronger.
To say I admire Hayley’s resilience through this journey would be a massive understatement. There aren’t enough words to say how I feel about Hayley’s perseverance. There’s no doubt her experience as an endurance athlete prepared her, both physically and mentally, for her longest and most rewarding endurance event yet.
Hayley didn’t choose her circumstances, but she did choose her responses. She possessed an unwavering belief that she could positively influence her circumstances through her choices and actions. As a new father, I will very patiently wait for the day when I can share this story with our babies so they can understand just how inspirational their role-model-of-a-mother is.
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