CHAMP’s Alaina Hansom sat down with friend and fellow
military spouse Sara Adams to talk about resilience and attachment styles
during deployment. Attachment styles are the ways we react when we’re separated
from and then reunited with those in our close relationships such as the
temporary separation experienced during deployment.
At the time of our interview, Sara’s husband had been
deployed for about 8½ months. Sara and her two daughters, Mary Grace and Lizzy,
were anxiously awaiting his homecoming.
AH: How old were each of your kids when your husband
first deployed? And how old will they be when your husband comes home?
SA: Mary Grace had just turned 2, and Lizzy was a
newborn at 2 weeks old when my husband deployed. Mary Grace will be 2 years and
10 months, and Lizzy will be 10 months when he comes home.
AH: How have you raised resilient
children during this deployment?
Mary Grace has also felt nothing but love this deployment,
which has helped her to be resilient. She feels love from me, her dad over
FaceTime, her grandparents who visit, and her teachers at school. She’s
constantly received attention that makes her feel loved. But when Mary Grace is
whining more than usual, I know she wants attention. I try to acknowledge her
by giving her 10 minutes of undivided attention, which means no Lizzy, no
phones, and no TV on. That seems to help with her because all she wanted was
attention and some one-on-one time.
My best advice—and what has made my kids so resilient and
happy—is that they have a routine, and they feel secure during this time. I
think for Mary Grace especially, structure makes her feel safe. The most
helpful thing I’ve done for her is give her a routine that makes her feel safe,
which makes her more resilient.
AH: What’s your attachment style? How does that
impact your parenting during deployment?
SA: I have a secure attachment style. I’m confident
on my own, but of course I’d rather have my husband home. My motto this
deployment has been, “We’re not going to survive this deployment; we’re going
to thrive.” And we have—we’ve thrived. Of course I miss my husband, and the
girls miss their dad like crazy, but we’re good.
Part of the reason we’ve thrived is because I work outside
of the home. I have a distraction from the deployment due to my professional goals.
I love being with my kids and I love my job—and I think it helps me be a more
patient mother. I can take a deep breath when my daughter throws a tantrum
because, for example, I gave her the “wrong color” cup. It makes me more
patient and stronger instead of giving into the tantrums like I might have otherwise
done if I were tired or didn’t have a break. I do think my
mood dictates my kids' moods. If I were strung out, tired, and
short, it would really impact my kids. But since I also focus on myself, such
as by working or attending squadron functions, I can be more patient at home. I
know not every family can afford childcare,
and I’m lucky we have that option because it works well for our family.
Overall, my parenting
style has changed during this deployment. I think I’m more
structured than I was when my husband was home. When he was home, we’d share
the parenting load (for example, Mary Grace’s bath time and bedtime routines).
But then my husband deployed 2 weeks after Lizzy was born, so not only did we
add one child to our family, we lost the help of one parent. The first 4 months
of deployment felt crazy as I tried to develop new routines. But now we’ve adapted.
We’re in those routines and thriving.
AH: How have your children reacted to this
deployment?
AH: Do you have a plan in place for how your husband
will reintegrate into the family after deployment?
SA: This is our first deployment
as a family, so I talked with other military spouses, especially my
husband’s commanding officer’s wife, to help manage our expectations. I also
started to have conversations with my husband about how reintegration might not
be what we think it might be. Of course we hope it’s happy and seamless, but
from what I’ve heard, kids might initially be happy to see their dad come home,
but then become a bit standoffish and only want mom to help them brush their
teeth, for example.
I also started preparing Mary Grace for reintegration by
telling her, “Daddy is going to start helping you with things. You and daddy
can start going to the park together.” But she is communicating that she wants
me there too by replying, “Well mama’s going to come too, right?” I want Mary
Grace and my husband to have their special
one-on-one time like they used to, but I don’t want her to feel
abandoned by me when her dad comes home. So, I’m still trying to figure out a
good way to approach that.
Other than that, I’m normally so well-planned, but I have no
idea what to expect since this is our first deployment. Besides the
conversations I’ve had with my husband and Mary Grace, I’m trying to have
everything ready in the house. And we’re planning a family vacation for after
deployment as well.
AH: How will you anticipate your children’s needs
during reintegration? And how will you balance that with your own needs of
reconnection with your husband after deployment?
SA: About 7½ months into the deployment, my husband
and I were lucky enough to meet in Hawaii for 5 days. We had that time to be
together—just us—and I think that’s probably the best thing we could have done.
We already had our honeymoon phase and time of reconnection, so when he comes
back, it will be his time to really focus on bonding with our kids. And I know
I’ll have opportunities for one-on-one time with him during the evenings after
the girls go to sleep.
Sara Adams lives with her husband, daughters, and dog near Naval Air Station Whidbey Island. She works as a financial advisor and loves to run and hike in her spare time.
