By: Sarah Steward, MS*
HPRC staff get many Ask the Expert questions from Military Service Members, and the answers often include vital information to help you stay mission-ready, so you can perform well.
Social fitness is an important part of your overall health and wellness. When your relationships are healthy, you’re more likely to perform at your best. HPRC’s experts are often asked how to actually build those healthy relationships—or work on ones that are struggling. Check out one relationship expert’s take on a commonly asked question about dealing with couple conflict and overcoming the silent treatment from your partner.
Asked & Answered
My partner and I can’t seem to communicate. When we try to talk, we end up getting mad and not speaking for hours—sometimes days. I have to tell her I’m leaving for an upcoming training, but I’m dreading it because I’m afraid it will turn into an argument. With so much travel, I hate losing our time together to the silent treatment. What can I do?
Healthy communication is the foundation of a strong partnership. Couples who can empathize, respect one another, and validate each other’s feelings while managing their own emotions are generally more satisfied and happy in their relationships. Still, it’s very common (and normal) for couples to disagree and struggle with communicating effectively, especially during conflict. This is particularly true for military couples who must deal with frequent separations and other stresses of military life, which can make navigating conflict and communicating while apart extra tough.
It sounds like you’ve noticed a pattern where both you and your partner withdraw from one another when you’re upset. This is a common communication trap sometimes called “stonewalling,” which can make conflict worse and damage your relationship over time. “Shutting down” or disengaging from the conversation (or from the other person entirely) can be a way to cope when emotions get too intense or overwhelming. But it might also leave you feeling abandoned or frustrated that the issue wasn’t resolved.
It might help to take a break from the conversation before either of you hit a boiling point that leads one or both of you to disengage. To do this, start by keeping a close eye on your own emotional temperature. Assign your anger a number on a scale of 1–10, and instead of waiting until you’re completely overwhelmed (level 10), try taking a break when you’re at a 3 or 4. This will help you calm down and return to the conversation more easily, without needing to take several days to cool off. Taking breaks during conflict is an important communication skill, so if you’d like to learn more about how to do so effectively, check out HPRC’s video on 7 steps for positive partner time-outs.
While time-outs might help in the moment, it’s important to keep an eye on the bigger picture and build overall healthy relationship habits too. Try to seek support from a trained professional, such as a therapist, to help you both identify your larger conflict cycles. And explore what (if anything) lies beneath the things you commonly argue about or prevents you from being able to communicate effectively. Read HPRC’s article on what to expect at your therapy appointment to learn more and help you decide if it’s the right option for you and your partner.Ask the expert
To learn more about social fitness or ask an HPRC expert about other issues that affect performance, visit the HPRC website.
About the author
Sarah Steward, of the Henry M. Jackson Foundation, is a Scientist for the Consortium for Health and Military Performance (CHAMP) at the Uniformed Services University of the Health Sciences.
* The views expressed are those of the author and do not reflect the official position of the Uniformed Services University of the Health Sciences or the United States Department of Defense.
